Cry like you mean it

Lately I’ve been finding that my diddumometer (patent pending, just in case you’re thinking of manufacturing one and taking it onto Dragon’s Den) has been struggling to register even a flicker of sympathy as highly paid star after highly paid star bitches and moans via his agent, his intermediary or whatever microphone is nearby, that he simply cannot continue to play at his current club and under his current conditions. There is more than a whiff of Ashley Cole swerving his ludicrously expensive car at the disgusting £55k a week treatment that he received at the hands of former club Arsenal.

Now if your twitter feed and TV look anything like mine then you’ll undoubtedly be aware that Dammit Nasri wants to win some trophies (try scoring another goal or two against Birmingham at Wembley then perhaps?), Luka Modric wants to leave the club that has nurtured what was considered too feeble a body for English football, so that he can move to a club who weren’t prepared to take a chance on him until he’d proven himself in the Champions League and their midfield was starting to age, or in the case of the unfortunate Michael Essien falling apart.

Nasri and Modric are rather different cases in some ways because Arsenal have allowed Nasri’s contract to run into its final year whereas Spurs secured a deal with Modric to keep him at the club until 2016. Now surely when he was signing this new contract he was aware that it was with Tottenham Hotspur? Surely his agent was aware that there are such things as release clauses if he was that bothered about leaving? Frankly, it’s all giving me the shits.

Well if UEFA and Michel Platini have any sense of humour then they’ll introduce a far better version of the Bosman – I like to call it the Tear Clause – whereby if a player is willing to go onto national television and cry like a little bitch then he can be sold for either the current bid on the table + 25% or some sort of multiple of the value of the remainder of the contract. This way it will encourage clubs to secure a player before their contract starts to run out and it means that if a player does decide that they want to force a transfer then the World gets to see them for the pathetic, whiney little shits that they are.

Positives of the clause:

– watching grown men cry over who gets to pay them millions of pounds a year to do something they love would be pretty funny

– It would add a new dimension to transfer reporting and also the way managers handle it…

…..allow me to set the scene…..

Samir Nasri has just been seen crying his little heart out on Sky Sports News saying “but, but, but, but, I dont want to get to 26 and not, not, not, not, win anyyyything! Somebody please just take me away from here. I want to play in Maaaaanchester”

Sky Sports would have the opportunity to make the pun “he wants to leave? He might as well TEAR up his contract”
Medicals would include complex psychological profiling.
Oh and we would have some fantastic press conferences….

Arsene Wenger: “My player was not crying to hand in a transfer request, he cares so much about Arsenal and was so passionate that he started to sweat from his eyeballs.”

Rafa Benitez: “Sir Alex bribed airline staff to play The Notebook as our in flight movie during a Champions League trip. This was a shameless attempt to unsettle our squad. Not only that but he’s even resorted to filling the entire away dressing room at Old Trafford with onions. These are facts.”

Of course the manager who tells Jack Wilshere that Father Christmas isn’t real will also face the wrath of Wenger and you can imagine Ferguson insisting that it’s not a proper transfer request unless his player cries so hard that little snot bubbles come out of their noses.

The last effect would be neither a pro or a con but you can guarantee that with this clause Serbian players would see their transfer values shoot up based on their inability to show any emotion other than anger and brutal indifference.

Anyway, it’s clearly just a silly idea that myself and @ReviewFootball idled upon but hopefully it gave one or two of you a chuckle.

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About onestepovertoomany

Currently write for www.footballpubcast.co.uk about Football in general, and for www.redflagflyinghigh.com about Manchester United. Whilst I'm a United supporter I try and keep my blogs as impartial as possible and I hope that most people who know me on Twitter would testify to that (you can follow me @elhaydo). Have been playing and loving football for about 20 years now, haven't ever been very good. Have been compared to Darren Fletcher and Park Ji Sung in terms of lack of ability but plenty of effort. Also enjoy plenty of other sports as well as talking about the usual things that make people tick, food, drink, films, music and the one thing we will never truly understand - the fairer sex. View all posts by onestepovertoomany

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