I don’t like to be lied to, deceived, or generally “mugged off” as any self-respecting geezer would say, so it rankles when I see part of my subscription fee for Sky being spent on one of the most disgracefully misleading adverts ever made.
In case you haven’t seen the offending item, I present you with:
Now it’s not just that the girl in this advert is incredibly attractive, and she is, but it’s the complete contrast between her beauty and his moronic voice and gimpy, podgy little face and gormless expressions that make it quite obvious that if she were even remotely interested he would drop everything in a heartbeat. If somebody that attractive was asking him round for a Sunday Roast I think it’s fair to say that every single one of his friends would immediately be getting nothing but voicemail when they call him and all thoughts of football would be well and truly abandoned. For a start, his brain should have lost all control of the situation thanks to a redistribution of blood and priorities.
Not only is she attractive, not only is she offering food, she’s also making it fairly clear with her suggestive eyebrow movements and come to bed eyes that, without wishing to sound crude, it’s effectively a near post tap in with an open goal. Now I’m not suggesting that sex should take precedence over the World Cup Final. Or even your team’s game. But to turn down sex for the first time with a girl who is so much hotter than you it would require Stockport County to turn down signing Messi on a free with him offering to contribute to the club’s wage bill to be able to have an adequate Footballing comparison.
Luckily my girlfriend is hotter than me, which makes me a winner, and means I can relate to this situation. My girlfriend also quite likes the football, again, making me a winner, but if we were sat at the table in the pub waiting for Arsenal vs Norwich to kick off and she said to me “do you wanna go have sex?” we’d be home before my chair had time to fall on the floor, we’d have been out of there that quick. This would be my reaction even though we’ve been together over a year and have even slept in the same bed. If it was a United game, of course I’d say “after the game my sweet, and I’ll even go on top” because I’m that kind of guy. But my God, you don’t pass it up with a beautiful girl for a game involving two teams that you don’t even support, and seeing as there are 3 games in question he can’t possibly support one team for each unless he’s Robbie Keane or a total thundercunt.
I couldn’t find evidence of the second advert, but the second advert was even worse. It was starred the same characters as before, but this time they were having a phone conversation, with her trying to make plans to see him during the week. Unfortunately this clashed with Bolton vs Blackburn. Now I am sorry, but this is getting beyond bloody ridiculous. If they’d advertised the Milan derby, El Clasico or maybe something mouth-watering like Bayern Munich vs Napoli, then fair enough, you need to take a break from your lady and have a bit of man time every now and then. But this guy is avoiding a beautiful girl, clearly out of his league, to watch Bolton vs Blackburn with his dullard mates. I hate this guy. This guy is an idiot. I think I hate him more because he doesn’t deserve his opportunity. He has the mentality of a Stephen Ireland. Fantastic opportunity and he’s wasting it. Now if you gave a guy with Gary Neville or Jamie Carragher’s attitude an opportunity to take that girl out on a date they’d either be married, or she’d have taken out a restraining order, because they wouldn’t give up and they’d keep scrapping to punch above their weight.
Some of you may have been reading this expecting it to turn into an intelligent observation on football and how perhaps we all get too involved and obsessed in something that the rest of our lives, our knowledge or even our perspectives get altered for the worse and perhaps we allow football to take over when really we should be making the most of our lives and enjoying football as a hobby and not an obsession. I hate to disappoint but that’s not the case. Being obsessed with football is fine. Only reading the sports pages isn’t a problem if that’s what you want to do. But don’t sit there and tell me that a gurning little shit like that is going to turn her down for Bolton vs Blackburn, it’s insulting. It’s like a big, fat WKD advert for tossers, and football shouldn’t be associated with that.